How to Advocate for Yourself Without Feeling Like a Jerk
Let’s start here: advocating for yourself doesn’t make you a jerk. It makes you a person with boundaries, needs, and goals. That’s just a normal part of being a human being. But I get it, some of us were taught that asking for more is pushy, or that having needs makes us "difficult." So we bite our tongues, downplay our accomplishments, and hope someone notices and rewards us for being quiet and chill and agreeable.
Spoiler alert:
THEY DON’T.
And you will ENDLESSLY frustrate yourself if you live your life this way.
The skill is learning how to ask without steamrolling. You can speak up without cutting someone else down. You can make a case without turning it into a fight. You can ask for what you need without apologizing for existing.
The first step is clarity. You can’t advocate for yourself if you don’t know what you’re asking for. “I’m overwhelmed” is real (it is SO! REAL!), but it isn’t actionable. “I need to delegate X so I can focus on Y” is. The more specific you are, the easier it is for people to say yes.
Step 2 is grounding it in facts, not feelings. You don’t have to justify your existence with data, but it helps to show impact. If you’re asking for a raise, come with receipts: what did you accomplish, how did it move the business forward, where did you go above and beyond? If you’re asking for support, show where the bottlenecks are and how removing them benefits the team. Ground your ask in reality, not just emotion.
Feelings are valid, ALWAYS. But facts give people something to act on. When you can back your ask with examples, it feels less like a complaint and more like a case. You’re not saying “I need this because I’m frustrated.” You’re saying “Here’s what I’ve delivered, and here’s what I need to keep delivering at that level.”
Step 3 is practice. Seriously. Say whatever it is you need to say out loud. In your car. In the mirror. To your dog. Rehearsing builds confidence and helps you work through any lingering “Am I allowed to say this?” feelings. And you are. You are so allowed.
If you don’t have a dog in your life, you can rehearse it to this delightful picture of a dog. Imagine her gently wagging her big goofy tail at everything you say.
This is Maia. Maia believes in you advocating for yourself. :)
The first time you say it, it’ll feel weird. That’s okay. New things always feel weird. But the more you practice, the easier it becomes to find the words that are confident without being confrontational. You want to go in clear, not flustered. Practicing helps.
Step 4, read the room, but don’t shrink in it. If your manager is juggling three crises, maybe don’t throw in your ask at 4:55 on a Friday. But don’t let “waiting for the right time” turn into never saying anything at all. You’re not being selfish by voicing your needs—you’re being honest. And that honesty is a gift to your team.
Finally, don’t preface your ask with a bunch of apologies. “Sorry, I know this is a lot” or “I hate to be that person” weakens your message and reinforces the idea that your needs are a burden. Try this instead: “I’d like to talk through something that I think will help me do my best work.” Boom. Firm, clear, respectful.
Taking up space is not a crime. Having needs is not a weakness. If anything, being honest about what’s working and what isn’t makes you a stronger part of the team. You’re showing up. You’re contributing. And you’re making sure you can keep doing both of those things well.
You can be kind and direct. You can be thoughtful and assertive. You can be collaborative and still draw a line. That’s not being a jerk. That’s being an adult.
And if someone does treat your advocacy like an inconvenience? That’s not a reflection of you. That’s a GLARING red flag about them.
Speak up anyway. The right people will hear you.
You’re worth hearing.